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Hall Of Shame

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[02 Sep 2007|10:04pm]

I think I'm about to make another mistake.
I think I'm starting to care about someone with way too much baggage. I've told myself countless times to cut it off because it can only end badly and that instability doesn't build a stable relationship, but it's not working.

I need help.

It's like how girls fall for assholes all the time. I don't really fall for assholes, I fall for the guys with issues... the ones who need help. It always ends up being too much pressure or sense of responsibility and it ends badly.

If I can see where this is going and don't like it, why don't I just stop talking to him???
1 comment|post comment

I can make a difference right now you see. [30 Jun 2006|09:12pm]

I poured out my heart to him.. and I don't think it made any difference.
He won't get back with me, and its killing me. And to think, I actally opened up and said everything I wanted and needed to say. Thats the last time I try to be strong.

Ever love someone so much, you'd do practically ANYTHING to be near them?
Why would he ever need me?

I just need one last hug.
3 comments|post comment

betray. [26 Jun 2006|07:35am]

I was sitting with a group of women the other night,when the subject of "friends who've stolen our men" came up. and a song by Dolly Parton, "Jolene,Jolene, Joleeeen ... I'm beggin' of you, please don't take my man", whined on the radio as we dissed all the betraying bitches who'd ever crossed us. Every one of us had a tale to tell of how a supposed "friend" had made a move on, kissed or slept with a man who was supposed to have our name on his dog collar...

Finally, I asked the all-important question: "How many of you have done it to your friends?" There was a long, uncomfortable silence. Then, slowly, each of us thought back on our own histories. As one admission of guilt followed another, it turned out most of us had at some point betrayed a friend of ours – even if it never progressed beyond flirtation with her man.

Later that night I recalled my own first betrayal of my best friend. I'd been hanging out with her and her boyfriend, for months. He and I got on well – so well, in fact, that I sometimes wondered whether we'd make a better match than them. They seemed to argue a lot.

Then, one afternoon, he arrived at my house alone and told me he'd finished with her. He added that he'd always liked me and said he found talking to me far easier than he did with her. One thing led to another – and before we knew it, we were kissing, then fondling each other, then heading for my bedroom.

Needless to say, they made up the following day and all hell broke loose when he told her what had happened. She raged and cursed at me and we parted, never to talk again. That incident changed me irrevocably. It taught me an invaluable life lesson I still carry with me today: never step on your "sister's" turf...

It may sound like an obvious conclusion, but the truth remains that women often betray, humiliate and hurt each other – especially when a man walks into the room.
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[14 May 2006|12:49am]
I dated this guy awhile back. My first real love relationship who I still think about to this day. Well, I don't remember why we fought but I remember it was during Christmas and I was the one to end it. I went back to school really angry at myself for being stupid because I still loved him so much and angry at him because he didn't seem like he cared anymore. I thought to myself that I could make him care. I knew how to. He had given me a stuffed animal...a duck, that his grandpa had given him. It meant a lot to him. I took the duck and literally tore the head off of it and took a picture. I ended up sending him a copy of it with some nasty email. It ruined our friendship completely. He and I still talk occasionally but we can never be as close as we once were. We only talk on the wonderful world of AIM.
Now go on, tell me what a shit hole I am. :/
4 comments|post comment

there's so much left to learn [21 Nov 2005|10:47pm]

This is my second time updating in this community and I just wanted to say that maybe it's not the right place. This is a community for things that we feel guilty or ashamed of right? Well then here's a walking contradiction: I don't feel anything.

I haven't felt anything for around four monthes. Well except the cold. I feel cold a lot of the time and have for around six monthes.

Here's the lesson though: I was sad before. I got tired of feeling sorry for myself and feeling self-pity and just plain being lonely and wanting something or someone to make me better.

Then I stopped. I got dumped by a guy who I thought was swell but we were having problems anyway, it was overdue. I got hurt and was in a catastrophic mood for a week or so and then stopped. I had gotten dropped off the face of the earth by someone who I cared about and while the fall was scary, as soon as I hit the floor it was over. Everything was over.

So now I live in a state of apathy. Sure I feel somethings... shallow things like brief frustration that is over the next minute or things like that but nothing serious.

So is it better or worse to feel ashamed? Would you really rather feel naught at all?

There's the lesson I learned. I'm still learning.

EDIT: I learned that if I wanted to then I could probably start feeling things again, but I'm too scared. I'm afraid of how much more pain I could feel if I let go of not letting myself feel anything. If I don't get attached then I won't be sorry when everything leaves. I made my choice, what's yours?
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One day I'll get to you and teach you how to get to purest hell [12 Nov 2005|12:30pm]

'You do it to yourself you do, and that’s what really hurts'
ch you how to get to purest hell
Three months ago I made the worst, most stupid, embarrassing, hurtful, pointless mistake of my life.

Sorry to get this journal of to a neurotic start, but it’s one of the reason I created this one, to vent my feelings on things I just couldn’t say in the last one.

Ofcourse this story involves a girl. Here’s the story, written for Jen. If you must comment, don't tell what an idiot I am, I tell myself that every day.

That weekend with you was great, looking back on it one of the best in my life, I only wish I had let you know this at the time.
Then the weekend after I found out that Gemma liked me. I nearly didn’t go for it because of you, but then as far as I knew we weren’t going out, so it wasn’t cheating.

So I ended up kissing Gemma and staying the night. Gemma lived in my home town rather than two hundred miles away, so it would be more convenient. There was also another reason I thought there might be more chance of us working out, but that’s a different issue. Then I wrote up about it for my livejournal, on which you’re one of the friends who can read it. Here’s the thing about livejournal. You write what you feel at the time, and no ones really meant to take offence at it. Opinions may change later, I know mine definitely did.

We had never discussed how our relationship had changed after that weekend. I guess I believed all I’d heard about how you weren’t the sort of person to fall in love, how you got bored with people easily, how people who fell in love with you got messed up. I believed that all you wanted was to have me for a weekend every now and then, not a relationship, and didn’t care about what I got up to for the rest of the time. You admit yourself that its true that at times this is all you have wanted from some people and give out this impression, it’s what you were using an ex-boyfriend for just before me, indeed, it’s what you have gone back to wanting now.

So I wrote that’s what I thought the deal was between us, that I wasn’t in love or we weren’t co-dependent or anything, and that suited me fine. Looking back I don’t even think I even believed that at the time, I already had feelings for you and I was kidding myself, thinking ‘oh look, clever me, not falling in love and getting messed up’. Looking back at what I wrote, it’s something I’m less than proud of.

Originally I wasn’t going to let you see that entry, but at the last minute I made my one and only mistake, I thought ‘she won’t really mind’, Jen’s the sort of person you can say anything to and she doesn’t take offence.
I let you read it.
WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING! What really made me think you could read that and be fine? It’s like I was possessed by some bad luck spirit that thought ‘Hey Tom, you’re life’s on the up right now, why don’t we mess it up!’
There was really no point to letting you read it. There was nothing to gain, yet ultimately everything lost.

You put a brave face on, said you were jealous, but it didn’t really matter. It’s a shame I went on holiday for a week soon after, keeping me away from the internet where we’d always communicate. It stopped me from finding out sooner how you really felt, from writing another entry to correct what I now realised wasn’t really true.

Then I returned from holiday and you showed me how she really felt.
‘I don’t want to mess this other girl around? Well, god forbid that HER FEELINGS get hurt. You knew we weren’t in some exclusive relationship, we hadn’t got as far as discussing that, but did I have to make it so crystal clear. You felt cheated on. You felt cheap, easy and used. You used to adore me, now you felt I was heartless and cruel.’

I felt sick. Never before in my life had I hurt someone that badly before, apart from Qui, my psycho ex, but then she was nuts and upset by pretty much anything and everything. People who know me know that I am usually a kind person, someone who thinks before they say things that might affect other people, and yet at the most crucial moment in my life I had acted so out of character.
You had been in love with me, it’s very rare that you fall in love with anyone, especially so fast, but this time was different, and looking back I really should have noticed that. For once in your life you hadn’t been independent, a lot of things in your life had been going wrong and you had needed someone to depend on, someone stable.
It’s such a shame, because I’m usually someone you can depend on, Qui had been the most dependent and clingy person I knew, and I had been fine looking after her.
And yet when you needed me most I wasn’t there for you, I let you read an entry that had instead left her you tears.

I had spent so much time looking at nice girls with guys who didn’t appreciate them, weren’t nice to them, didn’t deserve them, and thought why does this happen?
Then I met someone nice, and I did the same thing to her. I know that’s not what I’m like, that’s not who I am.
But for that moment I was.
And I payed for it.

Ofcourse I apologised profusely, I was jolted instantly into realising how much I really liked you. But after what you had read in that entry, how could you believe it? ‘You don’t have to pretend that you like me’ you said.
I was confused over what to do, I told you you were far from meaningless. I wanted to say ‘Hey, I really do like you, let’s meet up soon and carry on as we were’ but after I had upset you that badly I was ashamed to, I felt I had lost you for good.

So I said that next time we’d meet up just for friends because I didn’t deserve anything else, afterall, I still hadn’t worked out were I was with Gemma and I didn’t want to mess you around. I learnt later that back at that point all you had wanted to hear was that I loved you and when I said ‘let’s be friends’ you had taken it that I didn’t want you anymore. So desperately upset, you turned to an old boyfriend for comfort, someone for whom you were their favourite, someone who made you feel adored.
‘Braden’s coming over soon’ you told me, ‘won’t you be glad I’m over my obsession with you?’
Well not at all, but I felt too guilty to say so. It seems everything you thought back then was so horribly ironic. So I held my tongue, knowing I had no right to interfere with your life. The one time I tried to say I still liked you and wished you weren’t getting back with Braden you angrily responded ‘YOU rejected ME, have you any idea how much you hurt me, have you ANY IDEA?’

A week after I realised how badly I’d hurt you I finally got to see Gemma again. She’s still a friend of mine, but it’s clear now that we’re not compatible; we don’t have the connection that I felt with you.
‘What happened to that other girl?’ Gemma asked.
I told her I’d let her know about us two, making sure I didn’t let on how messed up the situation was getting, there was no point to making her feel guilty, it’s not her fault, she had no idea I’d be so stupid as to tell Jen what had happened.
‘Oh, why did you tell her? It sounds like you really liked her. You know I’m only messing about with you don’t you?’
And the bottom dropped out of my world, I knew at that moment I’d made the biggest mistake of my life, I was in love with Jen, perhaps always had been, I’d lost everything.

Looking back, there’s several ways I handled the situation wrongly (apart from the obvious not letting you read the entry).
I should have pushed harder to let you know that I really did like you even if you didn’t believe it first, instead of just giving you up as too hurt to continue with.
I should have phoned Gemma immediately to see where I stood instead of waiting for a week till I saw her in person again.
And I definitely shouldn’t have postponed visiting you again by one week just because I had a couple of other social events coming up for the original weekend.

And so next time I visited you I finally told you ‘You’re one of my best friends and I love you’ and you told me ‘have you ANY IDEA how much I wanted to hear that two weeks ago, I was in love with you then, I would have done anything for you’.
It was too late, you can’t fall in love with someone twice, not after I had hurt you and made you feel second best. But by then you were already in the process of getting back with someone else, you’ve never had a problem pulling anyone, and I can see why, you’re gorgeous.

And so I’ve been in love with you ever since. I’m not sure how to communicate why this is bothering me just so much. It’s basically because I know it was all my fault. I’ve been messed about badly by other girls before, but I always got over it, because I knew it was something to do with the other person, it wasn’t my fault. Had it been you who stopped things abruptly after just one weekend, then sure I would have been gutted, but I could have accepted it as not my fault. Had it gone on for longer before you got bored and things ended, again I would have been gutted, but I would have known there wasn’t really anything I could have done. Either way I could have accepted it and got over it.

What makes me unable to let go of these feelings is that I know the reason the whole thing ended abruptly is because of my actions. It’s not so much the what happened ‘You becoming more interested in people other than me’ as the why it happened ‘I did this, I screwed up my very own fantasy’.

For me it has always been the things that I do myself that I can’t get over, knowing that the blame lies with me. No one has the power to hurt me, not you, not any girl, as I have the power to hurt myself.

Am I sounding way to melodramatic for what has happened? Maybe from other peoples viewpoint, but right now I feel I’m at the lowest moment of my life, I’m losing sleep, not eating much, blanking out and my mums beginning to ask what’s wrong. I’ve been trying to think what else could have happened that would actually have affected me worse, killing a child due to careless driving perhaps, but other than that, nothing really.

If a few month’s ago someone had told me that you would be desperately upset because you believed I didn’t want you I’d have said how is that possible? Does Jen even like me? How could I not want her?
Hearing ‘I hate myself for liking you’ from the one person I adore and love, and not knowing how to make you better is probably the most horrible feeling I’ve ever had.

And I know all this is down to one single mistake. I let you read that entry. Had I not done that I would have soon realised nothing was going to happen between me and Gemma, I would have known you were the one I loved, and you’d be none the wiser that there had ever been a chance of anything being different.

Had I not done that single stupid thing we’d probably be going out now, I’d have a lovely girlfriend who adored me back, yet with a single click of a button I destroyed everything, we were both hurt very badly, and I have nothing but a friendship nearly in ruins.

You used to always be the first to talk to me when I signed into msn, you used to love talking to me, now I can hardly get a word out of you. I’m giving you space, I have enough control not to become obsessive and ruin what’s left of our friendship.

You were the best thing that ever happened to me, you loved me more than any other girl I’ve known, and yet I made you feel rejected and put you through hell, and now that hell is returning to me, and I’m not sure how long before it will fade. I feel guilty and ashamed, but most of all depressed and incredibly frustrated that with one single senseless mistake I turned what should have been my dream into a living nightmare.
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[20 Jul 2005|11:12am]

Hi.. my name is Emily. I'm 16.. I just turned 16 on the 13th. I have only been alive for 16 years.. but a lot has happened.

I have a lot of dark secrets... that just live and eat me from the inside out.

So yea.. I came across this community.. read about it.. and figured that this might be a nice place to.. say the shit I haven't said.

I have friends.. but I'd never tell them the things I've done.. and the things that have been done to me.. for they couldn't handle it.. and I don't think they would care in the first place.

I like writing a lot.. so.. you'll probably see a lot of stories coming from me.. most of them will be true.

So.. hello.. good bye.

Oh.. as well.. I'm going to post a story right now.. just a sort of sample of my writing.. I like feedback.. good and bad. Pure out bashing isn't very nice though.

Warning: Possibly explicit material...Collapse )
11 comments|post comment

[18 Apr 2005|05:01pm]
So I am a compulsive lier who tends to hurt alot of the people I care about, whether I mean to or not. The worst part is that deep down I'm really a good person, and most people see that, but my actions would say differently. Anyway, I came across this community, and thought it might be good for me, so ya'll will be hearing from me.
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[11 Apr 2005|09:33am]

I hate myself because I broke a huge promise to the one girl that I love and she's the only one that I care about and she's my world.....and I had to go and upset her, she's never walked away from me before......and I think she meant it this time when she said, "I hate you." I dont want to lose her because my life sucks at home and I cut myself....no matter how much it makes me feel better, it would never make me feel better if I lost her.
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...just another face in the crowd... [31 Mar 2005|10:24am]

[ mood | blank ]

...my name is unknown...for now, you can just call me Lilly. i have two sides really...light & dark. the innocence that hides deep within me & the evil that is in disguise. like most people, i have sins. sins of my past...& future sins that i know i am to make sooner or later. being alive is a sin. breathing this air...living this life...i feel at times that i am not even supposed to be living, that i was not meant for this world. who is if all they feel is pain & hatred? i would end my sorrow & misery, except for the fact that i promised friends that i would be there for them & i hate to break a promise for one too many promises have been broken that i know all too well how it feels & i do not want this for them. so i tend to keep at least this promise, while others i try to keep.

so a little about me...

my name is *points to top* ...lilly. i love that name...well...Lillian, but lilly for short. on may 21st, i will have lived 17 years of life in this world. 17 years of holding in my pain. im soon to break. i have been broken, but am trying to mend, but it seems nearly impossible. i am shy...so it does take awhile for me to speak some of my truths. like, my secrets, for my trust has been betrayed once too many. i love meeting new people though, & i love to listen as long as they can do the same. there is really only one thing that i ask from friends...if they want to be my friend...that they do not leave me. i always feel alone...

oki...so that is a little about me...i will be writing in here when i feel sad...i think i am bipolar...so yeah. *laughs* i will most likely posting some poems in here...i love my poems, but unfortunately...i suk at it. but i feel that it is one way i can speak some of my truths without being so blunt. i am only blunt when i am frustrated & angry. it usually takes a lot to make me like that though.

i hope that this place will be good to me...good for me...i just need a place to feel safe...

love always

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[23 Mar 2005|05:42pm]


I'm Not Beautiful

 Mirrors are illusions
I do not need to see
My reflection never ceases to frighten
I hold the broken fragments of my heart, tight

I'm not beautiful

The art of emotional masochism,
Of which my clarity lies
Living off my own deceit,
The shards skewer my hands

I'm not beautiful

Morbid fascination,
Crimson droplets fall
The blood reminds me of suppressed tears

I'm not beautiful

The reflection never fades
Laughter pounds within my head.

I'm not beautiful

Bloodied palms, pressed against my face

I'm not beautiful

The dead cannot cry

A corpse is not beautiful

The dead cannot re-die.

© Copyright 2005 Sad Eyed Tenshi

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[08 Mar 2005|06:34pm]

I remember a man.
I never saw his face.
Only his hands. His chest.
It was dark, but blood was still visible on his hands. His clothes.
A gun was held to my head.
I looked up at him and closed my eyes.
I smiled.
I expected any second to hear a bang.
The irony in it all, is that the gun was empty. We both were positioned onto the train tracks. The train was coming.
He giggled. He laughed. He was clearly insane.
I was angry; He didn't kill me.
I kicked him,, swift. He fell to the floor.
I stomped his head into the ground.
The train was a minute away.
I walked off the tracks, he cried out to me. He laughed as he cried.
“You're as cold as snow,” he said to me. There was a quick scream, the train's engine, then silence.
In truth, I was.
I am.
I am as cold as snow.
The silence, it now haunts me (but then, it did nothing but pleasure).
Bitterly, I laughed, turning back to see blood splattered miscellaneously across the dirt.
Calmly, amused, I walked away.
It was dark.
In my mind, the moon was shaped of crimson stained hands.
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[28 Feb 2005|11:26pm]

Mmhm Yeah I did something I regret. Last year I told the Dean of my college that my roommate was suicidal because she had banned me from bringing friends over to our room. My roommate was nice to me, and kinder than the other roommates I'd had previously, and I had said I would keep that secret of hers in return... I broke that promise.
I haven't seen my roommate since then, but we'd had a pretty nasty fight after the whole thing, so I guess it'd been for the best. But to this day I really wished I'd kept my mouth shut. The whole thing is now an actual nightmare of mine.
Not to mention she'd had a tough life already... her family barely had any food to eat every day, let alone a place to live, and she'd had to get a job to pay for her own education. I only seemed to add to her stress and unhappiness and shouldn't have. I do regret it...
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A poem and song for you [12 Feb 2005|03:32pm]

[ mood | bored ]

This is a poem I wrote about a year ago about self-despise:

Our eyes meet with tears
We wince away in fear
I look once more and see
You frowning right back at me
"Go away!" I yell at you
And you mock me with the same pain too
We growl and hiss and snarl
Yet we watch each other with sorrow
Then finally I've had enough
Our fists connect so rough
And the glass shatters..
And it doesn't matter..
Because I'll never call your bluff
This blood on our fists won't be enough
So I crumble to the floor
And sob as I look once more
Through a broken bloodied window
I see that I will never grow
For the one with the tainted frown
Is the person that I am
The person that I'll be
And the person looking back at me

And here's the song version:


Our eyes meet with tears
We wince away in fear
I look once more and see
You frowning right back at me

"Go away!" (echo: GO AWAY!) I yell at you
And you mock me with the same pain too
We growl and hiss and snarl
Yet we watch each other with sorrow

Then finally I've had enough
Our fists connect so rough
And the glass shatters..
And it doesn't matter..

Looking back at me..
Is all I see..

I'll never call your bluff
This blood on our fists won't be enough
So I crumble to the floor
And sob as I look once more

Through a broken bloodied window
I see that I will never grow
For the one with the tainted frown
Is the person that I am
The person that I'll be
And the person looking back at me

Looking back at me..
Is all I see..

...go awaaaay..
Looking back at me, go awaaaaay..

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[31 Dec 2004|01:34am]


Feeling down emo kid? join x_lovexmexemo

Forgive me.
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well i dunno what to do [29 Dec 2004|12:10am]

[ mood | contemplative ]

this has been bugging me for a couple weeks:

me and my friend have slowly been getting further and further apart. (mostly because i hang out with the druggies and she hangs out with the goody-goodies.) she also has done/does some stuff that pissed/es me off.

-she dumped her boyfriend last year and now brings up how she thinks of him. it seems like she did both for attention.
-i think she lies about shit so people will pitty her. she says she used to cut herself and how she can't handle herself around knives. ok, so i've never seen any scares but i have seen her cut up food and had no trouble at all.
-she's immature
-she says i'm neglecting her but she has blown me off for her boyfriend.

anyway, the ex she broke up with last year was a friend of the guy who dumped me last year and her ex helped me get over this guy. now my and her ex and better friends then me and her. when i was hanging out with him a couple weeks ago though, he asked if he could kiss me. i said i didn't think that would bee a good idea and he back off (cause he's the sweetest guy!) well, when i told another friend of mine, she said not to tell my first friend so i didn't. now everytime she talks about how she misses him and how he loved her (so i can pitty her and give her attention) i just want to scream that he wanted to kiss me, not her, and that she's an attention hog.

i actually dont like being the center of attention but it would be nice to be able to go to a friend for help and not have them want to talk about their make believe problems.

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-Just a lot of crap- all emotional. yuck=/ [28 Dec 2004|06:31pm]
[ mood | insecure ]

I haven't eaten for... err.... a long time. Two days? But now mom's making chicken and she will force me to eat it. Yuck. I feel so perfect. So thin. My arms are looking like they'll fade into air <333333

It's probably not healthy I know. I'm pale. It takes a lot of make-up to look somewhat alive.

Okay. WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS THAT.... (yes, it calls for caps) I think my mother might be an alcoholic. It seems impossible cos she's so nice and young and pretty. She just parties like any other person, but can't hold much alcohol. I know it's not her intention, it just happens, god it can happen to anyone. And that's what my mind has been screaming to me. But I just can't take drunk people near me. When I was younger, I usually had awful panic attacks while that. I fell on the ground and started screaming. Just screaming my pain out, sometimes words, nonsense. I was mad. Now I'm even more mad. But as the times have gone by, I don't have much respect to anyone. I don't really respect her as a human, and not as my mother. I'm extremely violent person, so it takes a lot to keep myself from hurting her. I do respect my god, and it's wrong to hurt her. So I can't take this anger and I have to hurt myself. Then everything gets so twisted. I cry and scream and yell on her. Beat myself and take a bunch of random pills. Break everything what stays on my way. She will look at me, and her mind is barely taking what's happening. And I see all her pain and agony. And she seems so helpless. All her stories about her rough childhood when her mother beated her and all memories of my dead daddy come back to me. I'm afraid I'm looking the same when I'm drunk. It's scaring me. It's scaring me so much that I haven't gotten it out of me never before. I can't even write about it. There's too much fear and pain and all those emotions and memories, and I can't carry them all out at once. It's impossible to lay my whole life and soul out just like that. I'm sorry, this text is really overflowing. No one will probably understand it. I just hope, that when I've written it down a couple of times like this, I'll finally be able to talk.

Well... back to life. I'll go.. and change clothes or something.

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[26 Dec 2004|08:02pm]

[ mood | okay ]

I'm new :(

This one time in 7th grade, I went to a party. Not a house party or anything, this kind of thing would have been acceptable at a house party. It was a freaking church party, with my church friends. At the time I was battling depression and bipolar disorder without even knowing it, and I was incredebly insecure. There was a guy, he was 15, my friends liked him, these friends of mine were idiots and I secretly couldn't stand them. They all liked this guy, but he was only interested in me. So then we played spin the bottle, and we had to kiss and stuff. Then we had to makeout in the bathroom with the lights off. I was ecstatic, I thought it was the greatest thing that ever happened. He was 15, I was 12, who knew I could get a guy like that, right? Wrong, the guy was a loser, I made out with a loser multiple times to get back at these people. Maybe it would have been a little better if I hadn't had a boyfriend at the time. As you know, 7th grade relationships aren't very important, but at the time they seem to be, so I had not only embarassed myself, no, humiliated myself, but I'd been eposed to my entire school as a slut. I used to hate to think about it, 7th grade was the worst year of my life, but now it's getting easier to admit. I made a choice and I took the concequences. I know it doesn't seem terribly horrible, I just need some help getting over it I guess.


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[21 Dec 2004|10:41pm]

[ mood | numb ]

These are the places that I can’t feel,

Some words with blood dripping, mending, and then breaking inside.

Torn from myself, I pick me apart, again

(But how can I do so when I’m not really here?).

These emotions, conflicting

I’ll never understand.

These words that are flowing,

Are they even my own?

This sloppy cursive of which I hold so dear…

My blood is spilling…Crying in crimson form.

This body is dying,

My heart’s been shattered too many times before.

My mind’s out somewhere in space and time…

My soul looking for the people who’ve forsakend me…

Artistically venting is what this torment has been called,

But only by those who does not know what lies between the lines…

I’m screaming, I’m screaming,

Yelling for unwanted, but much needed help.

There’s a part missing from inside of me.

Can’t anyone see I’m falling into myself?

(But then how can there be comfort,

When everyone feels so far away?

When it’s as if hope and a better tomorrow is nothing but a well told lie?)

Is everyone to oblivious to that I’ll never find peace on my own?

I’m weak, selfish, and loathe every aspect of myself.

I hate me, I hate me,

And I don’t know why.

I’m not selfless for keeping everything inside;

It only leads to hurting everyone and myself, again.

Even though physical pain is fixating,

It’s only a moment’s worst of stress relief,

And then I’m stuck with the scars the rest of my life.

This darkness, this nothingness, it holds me tight.

I feel so empty…

I see no light…

I’m trying to think,

Trying to tell the truth from the lies

Trying to understand why at times these thoughts don’t make sense

How I let go watching you and everyone turn their backs like you always do

How these heavy thoughts all lead back to you

Of how trying to put so much trust in people,

Only to be betrayed,

How it just takes so much out of me

How everyone just feels so far away from me

How I try not to break,

But am so tired of this deceit

All the tiring times of trying to make myself get back up on my feet,

All I think about is this,

Crawling to the corner of my room

Aching all through my body,

Hurting myself again and again for you

Foolishly putting my trust back you as you apologize,

Of how I get back up and go to embrace someone else,

Then being struck by this pain I have never missed.

Looking into yours and everyone else’s eyes,

There’s nothing there to see, but all the mistakes I made,

It always playing right back at me

Of how I apologized for lying to you,

For telling the truth

For being myself

But I stay, for the sake of the human left in me,

Even though people hurt me,
I’m still so dependant on them

Of how I try to make these people proud of me,

Only failing and falling deeper into me.

So many bruises,

Tired and breaking because of all the lies and deceit

All this dedication just sucking all the life all out of me

And I can’t help but feel that loneliness is the worst part of me,

So many times talking to you,

Only to end up whispering to me

Not knowing what to do to make you be able to look at me,

Hoping for you to forget that every step I take is just another mistake of my life

I feel so empty,

How everyone is so far away from me

Trying to face you,

But the memories make me cower, before you even speak

Running back into my corner,

I rub my aching body and bruises, again.

Stop trying to pick up the broken pieces of yesterday,

Because nothing gets better

It’s just a fucking lie that only people who’s been fed lies by the other lying hypocrites who’s never been hurt before believe

In the middle of my thoughts, I’m stuck

These memories of not only mine,

But also of those whom I hold dear,

It’s just too much to bear

And then there’s just so much confusion not only from the past,

But from today

And tomorrow, tomorrow

I know that this darkness will forever hold me and my friends

No matter how much we run, pray

The sun will never rise up

The sun that people see rise and set,

It’s not the real deal

Because we’re all dead, extinct,

Burned out

And its existence is just another lie

This cold, this cold

Nothing’s ever warm enough

It’ll never stop

It’ll never go away

Like these thoughts in my mind,

The emptiness and loneliness of the cold will forever be in play

All the nights I spent so cold,

So afraid.

Even though I felt you so close,

Everyone else felt so far away.

I’d crawl into a corner,

Rocking back and forth,

Wishing I could remember how to cry.

Each time I’m with, without you,

I feel so helpless,

So empty inside.

I’m afraid to stand up,

More to sit down,

And even more to run away.

I would feel so faithless,

So lost under my skin;

Every time I felt happiness, it was zapped away remembering you.

Every time after I’d seen you,

After you would get to me (again),

I would be the one putting scars on my body,

Insanely thinking I was hurting you..

So many times I’ve hurt myself, remembering.

So many times I’ve tried to stand up and get help to get away from you,

But thinking of you, I’d only cower in fear

Constantly replaying over and over,

The things you did to me were stuck in my head.

Remembering being locked up with you in that room…

Knowing that when this began, you’d forever stolen something from me.

Creaking up and down on that bed…That way.

No one’ll be able to save me,

Not even the ones I care for most.

Because I’ll always be a slave to you;

You made me promise against my will the first time.

I’m such a dirty, awful person…

I deserve to be hurt by you, always.

I hate you…I hate me.

No one ca stop you…Like how no one can save me…

I’ll always be a slave to you,

Forever internally weeping while laying under you.

All these empty moments as I cleanse my soul,

How I can’t remember how I felt that day

How even though you’re constantly envisioned in my mind,

I can’t hear your voice or feel you there.

Was it my fault for your departure?

Had I not been there enough?

Even though death is what you always wanted,

I can’t help but subscribe to loneliness.

Your face,

It haunts me in my dreams

And as I lye awake

But then I feel no tears come,

As I stood over your grave.

How I feel so numb,

Thinking of you

But when ever the pain comes back,

I try to remember your caring smile on your face.

As much as I try to remember all the times we laughed,

I can only see the times we cried in each other’s arms.

The thought of death, I know I’ll never get used to it over night,

But out of the nothingness,

I can’t help but miss you
3 comments|post comment

Hi Everyone [13 Dec 2004|07:27pm]

I just joined this community because I did something terrible, and I got caught...

So, this is the storyCollapse )
3 comments|post comment

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