full_of_shame (full_of_shame) wrote in hall_of_shame,

  • Music:

there's so much left to learn

This is my second time updating in this community and I just wanted to say that maybe it's not the right place. This is a community for things that we feel guilty or ashamed of right? Well then here's a walking contradiction: I don't feel anything.

I haven't felt anything for around four monthes. Well except the cold. I feel cold a lot of the time and have for around six monthes.

Here's the lesson though: I was sad before. I got tired of feeling sorry for myself and feeling self-pity and just plain being lonely and wanting something or someone to make me better.

Then I stopped. I got dumped by a guy who I thought was swell but we were having problems anyway, it was overdue. I got hurt and was in a catastrophic mood for a week or so and then stopped. I had gotten dropped off the face of the earth by someone who I cared about and while the fall was scary, as soon as I hit the floor it was over. Everything was over.

So now I live in a state of apathy. Sure I feel somethings... shallow things like brief frustration that is over the next minute or things like that but nothing serious.

So is it better or worse to feel ashamed? Would you really rather feel naught at all?

There's the lesson I learned. I'm still learning.

EDIT: I learned that if I wanted to then I could probably start feeling things again, but I'm too scared. I'm afraid of how much more pain I could feel if I let go of not letting myself feel anything. If I don't get attached then I won't be sorry when everything leaves. I made my choice, what's yours?
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