_ (qlimaxcutie) wrote in hall_of_shame,

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-Just a lot of crap- all emotional. yuck=/

I haven't eaten for... err.... a long time. Two days? But now mom's making chicken and she will force me to eat it. Yuck. I feel so perfect. So thin. My arms are looking like they'll fade into air <333333

It's probably not healthy I know. I'm pale. It takes a lot of make-up to look somewhat alive.

Okay. WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS THAT.... (yes, it calls for caps) I think my mother might be an alcoholic. It seems impossible cos she's so nice and young and pretty. She just parties like any other person, but can't hold much alcohol. I know it's not her intention, it just happens, god it can happen to anyone. And that's what my mind has been screaming to me. But I just can't take drunk people near me. When I was younger, I usually had awful panic attacks while that. I fell on the ground and started screaming. Just screaming my pain out, sometimes words, nonsense. I was mad. Now I'm even more mad. But as the times have gone by, I don't have much respect to anyone. I don't really respect her as a human, and not as my mother. I'm extremely violent person, so it takes a lot to keep myself from hurting her. I do respect my god, and it's wrong to hurt her. So I can't take this anger and I have to hurt myself. Then everything gets so twisted. I cry and scream and yell on her. Beat myself and take a bunch of random pills. Break everything what stays on my way. She will look at me, and her mind is barely taking what's happening. And I see all her pain and agony. And she seems so helpless. All her stories about her rough childhood when her mother beated her and all memories of my dead daddy come back to me. I'm afraid I'm looking the same when I'm drunk. It's scaring me. It's scaring me so much that I haven't gotten it out of me never before. I can't even write about it. There's too much fear and pain and all those emotions and memories, and I can't carry them all out at once. It's impossible to lay my whole life and soul out just like that. I'm sorry, this text is really overflowing. No one will probably understand it. I just hope, that when I've written it down a couple of times like this, I'll finally be able to talk.

Well... back to life. I'll go.. and change clothes or something.
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